Moving on. Here are my notes for the soundtrack for this page:
In 1982, Aussie soul singer Doug Parkinson introduced the world to the song Better Keep Your Hands Off My (Potential New Girlfriend). [For some reason, I can't find any songwriting information for this track, so to some degree I'm guessing as to its history.] Clearly, this should be the theme music for this page. Unfortunately, I didn't hear this song until, well, today! So, sadly, it is not an ideal choice after all.
My first, and for the longest time only, exposure to this song was the lyrically altered and retitled, May 1983 Dolly Parton release called Potential New Boyfriend. It's interesting, because Dolly is best known for her masterful songwriting and here I am highlighting one she didn't write. Also interesting is that this is her first song to chart higher off the Country charts than on them. I guess that makes it her first crossover hit! It may not be the original and it might not be the best version of the song (debatable), but it's the one I know, so clearly this should be the theme music to this page. (While I like the song, I probably haven't thought of it at all in 20 years. Why it came immediately to mind while I contemplated titles for this page, I do not know. But here it is, a nominee for the soundtrack.) Furthermore and unfortunately, I don't walk on that side of the street, so it's can't be ideal either.
Hence I present both of them and allow you to choose which musical piece should provide the backdrop to your enjoyment of this page. You could even play both and compare, contrast, critique. Even if you don't care for the words in this blog, please enjoy the cool Eighties musical flashback to the dawn of music video.
Doug Parkinson: Better Keep Your Hands Off My (Potential New Girlfriend)
Dolly Parton: Potential New Boyfriend
Dolly Parton: Potential New Boyfriend (long version, no video stream)
If, in the course of discourse, I happen to say something that reminds me of music, I'll either hot link in a widget to play it, or include a link to take you to it.
O.K. Now that the music is covered, on to the content.
Well, time for some "administrivia", first.
It is worth stating that the 'actual' number of Potential New Girlfriends that I have is...zero. I haven't met a legitimately 'single' (and eligible) woman in forever! Sure, some have had an legal marital status of "single" but every one of them was in a long term relationship. Could they have been lying? Sure. People do all kinds of strange things for virtually no reason at all. It is quite conceivable that one or more of the women I've met have said they were in long term relationships because it would be uncomfortable for them to be more truthful. I guess things like... "You're not my type," "sorry, I'm not looking right now," and "I'm way too focused on my career for a relationship," are more difficult to say than "I'm taken." I suppose I feel fortunate that I haven't had anyone respond to my attention by laughing at me or insulting me. If that had happened I would have been more upset at my apparent poor ability to judge people than at what was done or said. Either way, I haven't met any receptive women for a long time.
Why do I treat 'long term relationship' as sacred, meaning, why didn't I forge ahead with the attempted seduction and try and "steal" her away from the lesser man? Because I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't do that. I won't 'give "her" a reason to dump him', essentially by becoming "her" second boyfriend until such time as "she" feels fit to eliminate the 'first' boyfriend and elevate me to that position. I believe people should be in relationships because they want to be, not to avoid being single. If the relationship is strong, then I have no business intruding. If the relationship is weak or even abusive and "she" won't end it until "she" already has a better option locked up, then perhaps "she's" not everything I think "she" is. "She" should think more of herself than to stay in a relationship that isn't working even if that means being single for a while. What is so wrong with being single, anyway, that people behave as though they are afraid of it? Effectively I take the high road and throw in a bit of healthy doubt. I've been in this position countless times and made the same decision in every one of them. Yes, I find it frustrating, and yes, it possibly even makes me angry, but I'm not going to let someone else's selfishness or insecurity compromise my principles. So, that explains that.
Before I even begin to list people, i.e. women, that interest or intrigue me, etc., I have to state the following. I don't know any of them. For a select few I have had an extremely limited online dialogue, almost exclusively positive. Almost. (You know who you are.) But, once more, I don't know any of them. They don't know me. I can't call any of them a friend nor even a colleague or acquaintance. They are simply people with whom I am cordial that I would be interested or intrigued to know better. I can't even guarantee that they are even aware of me; I may have made so small an impression on them that they don't even recall any interaction. In some cases 'aware' means knowledge that they exist, in others I have limited exposure to whatever public face they have allowed others to see. This may be an extremely poor indicator of who they really are (i.e. false masks), or may be a snapshot into their soul -- I can't possibly know at this time. Also, because I know so little about them, I can't possibly rate or rank them, so please don't ask me to. I'd need lots of additional information to even try, and really, I'm not so inclined anyway. Numbers will appear in the list, but this is simply the tally/count of people on it. Purely for the curious to be able to know how many people are on the list. I'm one of those curious -- I've never even thought of counting before. The numbers have no further significance -- please do not try to attribute further meaning where none exists.
What are the chances that I might actually meet, let alone woo even a single one of these august personages? Hmm. Less than they were before I posted this page? Not good enough of an answer? Too negative? How about "more likely than me becoming as astronaut and less likely than me becoming a senior-level politician." (I am not currently, nor have I ever been, in politics, nor do I work for NASA.) Does that adequately pigeonhole the chances of success? Taken individually, the chances are approximately equal to the chance that I become the first high school principal on Mars. Or maybe even combine the two fields and be the first President of Mars.
The list seems to be made up of mostly celebrities and pseudo-celebrities (entertainers & public figures). Why aren't there more 'real' people. It's actually quite logical. Most of us get to know fewer people in our day-to-day personal interactions than we do through the media. Most of the impression of "knowing" them is illusory, but that doesn't stop us from feeling that we know them. And the more famous, more ubiquitous the celebrity, the more intimately we feel we know them -- still mostly illusory.
Also, 'real' people have a quality that makes them hard to find or sort. It's called anonymity. Searching for people you don't know by qualities and characteristics is hard to impossible, especially when these qualities or characteristics are intangible or tacit! So much so, that in all the hours/years I've spent navigating dating sites the only people that piqued my interest enough for me to attempt to contact were "cupids" and "ambassadors".
"Cupids" are fake accounts designed to make the site more attractive to potential users/members. In other words, it's a marketing ploy to boost sales. Mark Twain would probably call cupids "damned lies."
"Ambassadors" are paid members, possibly even full-fledged employees, of the dating site. They get paid to befriend you, to make you feel more comfortable in the online community and theoretically to introduce you to other potential matches. (There is no guarantee of ANY level of compatibility with these referrals.) The ambassadors themselves are not looking, available nor interested.
So much for looking for 'real' people. There is one (arguably) minor detail in the difference between exposure to celebrities and 'real' people. People who lead public lives have a much harder time hiding their skeletons, deviances and other things you'd really want to know about before committing to them in any way at all. Can they do it? Yes, and they sometimes even pay people dearly to help make it possible. However, for 'real' people you pretty much never know what's hiding in their closets. There are few mechanisms that inhibit their freedom to lie to you (about anything or everything) and fewer still that allow you to ferret out the truth behind their lies. I'm not just talking about fudging their height, weight drinking or smoking status, lying about the number of kids they have, or even about using an image of someone else to 'represent' them. I'm talking about Casey Anthony / Karla Homolka kinds of lies. Don't know who they are? You're lucky. Naïve, but lucky.
Turnabout is fair play. Why should anyone believe anything I say? I'm pretty open about just about everything. Read my "About Me" and you'll probably learn more meaningful information about me than you learned about your last girl/boyfriend after your 10th date. (Or worse, after having slept with them 10 times.) If that's not enough, ask me. Or, alternately, Google me. Go ahead and request a police background check if it makes you happy. I live my life like an open book and have little reason to want to hide anything.
Another trend is toward physical beauty. There are lots of reasons for this tendency...
- I've already conceded that the list tends towards celebrity and celebrities tend to be beautiful. You can't blame me for that -- all of civilization is biased this way. Some say that this is strictly a biological matter, an adaptive evolutionary trait, that beauty indicates health which indicates best prospects for reproduction. I say that at least a significant portion has to come from the well-established stereotype that people that look good are good (people). Given that history has shown us that some of it's most heinous villains were both highly charismatic and physically attractive, you'd think we'd have gotten over this myth, but we haven't. Maybe someday, but I'm not holding my breath.
- Besides beauty, the traits that one seeks or values in others are largely intangible. You can't really search or even evaluate from afar based on intangibles. They aren't perceptible that way. You can really only discover them through direct experience, or, to a lesser degree, take somebody's word for it when they describe someone. So, lists like this one will skew to the tangible, like beauty. I'll point out that I don'y even know what some of the people on the list look like as I've only encountered them online, essentially by proxy. Also, just because they are on the list doesn't necessarily mean I find them particularly physically attractive. I recognize, accept and embrace the fact that there is more to life than the physical.
- Why not? It doesn't make logical sense to intentionally select or feel for mostly unattractive people. Is there a human being on the planet that actively chooses the unattractive over the attractive? Who picks the bruised, dull, scored apple when a nice, firm, shiny intact one is sitting right beside it? If they exist, they almost assuredly have self-esteem or identity issues. The only other possibility is that they have been so scarred by 'beautiful' people that they shun them in favour of 'kinder' people. Of course, this is just a reactionary corruption of the previously mentioned stereotype that people that look good are good.
What should you do if you discover you're on the list? Whatever you want, I'm not the master of you! I'd rather you feel pleased as punch or proud to have been thought so highly of, but it's possible that you may not value that. If your immediate reaction is to be nervous, wondering if you may have a problem on your hands, please let me reassure you. You have a greater cause for concern of being diagnosed with the Black Death this very moment than you do of having trouble with me. (Did your phone just ring to deliver the bad news and urge you into quarantine? No? Good, that's my point.) Really, it's just not in me. I seldom (if ever) display alpha-personality traits and have only rarely been described as a 'go-getter'. In many respects, I'm downright passive or at the very least laid back. That isn't to say I can't be passionate, it's just that I am picky and discrete about appropriate moments for passion. (I have nothing against PDAs if you're wondering.) If the spirit moves you to contact me, you are most welcome to do so. I don't bite, though I had an overbite when I was a kid. (Thank you orthodontics!) I'll pile the marriage proposals on the left (are you kidding!? That's a gross overreaction!), the restraining orders on the right (That too is a gross overreaction; did it make you feel better?) and I'll actually read and respond to whatever sane responses remain. If any. I can always use another pen pal. The more people you know, in whatever capacity, the more viewpoints you are exposed to and the wiser you become. Do I honestly think that something more than that could evolve? Well, it is technically possible that I might become an astronaut, senior politician or high school principal on Mars. :P
If you still feel uncomfortable about being on this list, just ask me to remove you and I will. I derive no pleasure from making people uncomfortable, least of all people that I like.
What should you do in the extremely unlikely event that you are not on the list but want to be? Self-derisive response: see your doctor immediately, there is something seriously wrong with you! But honestly, by all means, contact me and make a case for yourself. You just might be the one lost piece of my puzzle and vice versa. Alternate response: Go ahead...make my day!
What if you're married or happily attached? I say good for you! Congratulations! Mazel tov! I hope you've found the rare kind of love that lasts forever. I haven't removed you from the list for several reasons. Relationships end, in spite of best laid plans of mice and men, and knowing for sure which will last and which will end is impossible. What can I say, people grow apart. I also accept that I may be misinformed about anyone's 'status'. This goes back to the whole 'I don't really know these women' concept. Anything and everything I know could be wrong. Just ask "Weird" Al Yankovic. (Not one but two video interpretations of his song at the end of this paragraph!) Finally, it doesn't really matter. (Dang, I have to stop making and recognizing musical allusions from bygone millenia. Go Canadian artists! RIP Kenny MacLean.) It's almost 100% that nothing will come of this list, except possibly some people feeling flattered and some people feeling creeped out and yet others, most likely those not on the list, vacillating between feeling amused and bemused. (Do I hear a "cemused"? A "demused" perhaps? Anyone? Beuller?) Since I'm not going to be doing anything about any of the single people on this list, you can rest assured that I won't be doing anything to adversely affect any marriages. See above for my attitude towards breaking people up. Also, it may be unusual for married couples to have single friends but it isn't unheard of. Friendships are great in and of themselves, nothing more required.
"Weird" Al Yankovic: Everything You Know Is Wrong (photo collage version)
"Weird" Al Yankovic: Everything You Know Is Wrong (animated version)
What do I plan to do once this list is published? I'll be doing what I've been doing all along -- being me. That means being friendly, helpful, supportive/complimentary, witty, sarcastic, funny, flirtatious, alternately positive and negative -- call me a sine curve -- occasionally insightful or deep, generally an all-around good, fun guy (fun guy, not fungi...what do you mean puns aren't fun? You're being silly!). If we cross paths, virtually or otherwise, I'll be me, which means open to friendship. I hope you'll be you. Que será será. I have a license but I seldom drive, literally and figuratively.
I would like to point out that there is at least a thousand more women that I could have added. I've decided to not include people that I used to be crazy for but have subsequently gotten over. Since all of the decision making involved in making these cuts are based on image, rumours, innuendo and guesswork it is entirely possible that they might find themselves back on the list if I receive new information about them. No one should take not being on this list as a personal affront. It is much more about what I know and what I think than what actually is, and therefore, who they really are.
Since this list is likely to be long (long? the list hasn't even started and it's already so long!) -- I don't dismiss the possibility that my beshert may be out there, but generally I don't believe that people have only one ideally compatible person that they must seek/find for romantic purposes/completeness -- it would be best if there were some kind of organization imposed upon it. Since I have already dismissed the notion of ranking, what does that leave?
I'm opting for broad categories and alphabetical order. The order of the categories won't be significant except for the first and last categories. What do I do if someone meets the criteria for more than one category? I pick one. I'm not going to hurt my brain trying to decide which is the apter fit. In fact, I may even pick randomly.
The first category, "My Jewish Princesses" is a pragmatic choice. While I feel no real need to couple with someone who shares the same (fairly unique) background as I do (best described as spiritual Secular Humanist raised as Jewish), I recognize that for others this can be a major deciding, or breaking, point. Since it takes two to tango, the people that are most likely to result in a successful relationship (of any kind) with me are Jewish (at least nominally).
The last categories are for "Fish That Got Away", "Fish That Never Were", "Impossibilities" and "The Hurt". They will be defined below. They will be almost exclusively people I've actually interacted with, i.e. 'real', non-celebrity people.
All the categories in between are in completely random order. Within each category the lucky people will be cited alphabetically.
Penultimately, there are abbreviations and acronyms (was that a Paul Simon record?) that I'll use in the list. I'm going to define them here: (if I come up with any more I'll back-add them in some future edit.)
- cam: Has, or had, an adult entertainment-based, live streaming webcam site.
- (d): Denotes deceased.
- (m): Denotes married, in fact or in effect.
- M/A/PS: Model / actress / porn star. If an actress/model has had sex on film -- whether they did it once or a thousand times -- then they'll be labelled a M/A/PS. By this definition Paris Hilton & Kim Kardashian are M/A/PS.
- NHRN: Not her real name. May be prefaced with a "probably" or "possibly".
- PS: Porn star. This is a rare designation. To be simply a PS and not a M/A/PS the performer must not have modeled in magazines or on the Internet and have had no experience acting in mainstream TV/movies including music videos. Again, this is a rare label.
- +: Indicates possession of a figure that qualifies, or very nearly qualifies as 'plus-sized'. Significant only when this places them at or near my physical 'tipping point' (i.e. going from what I personally find attractive, to what I don't). My lipo-tolerance is fairly good, relatively speaking, probably much better than average, but it could be a lot better. This is not something I'm proud of.
- ++: This indicates someone who is either a BBW or then some, which is admittedly not where my tastes tend to lie, but for whatever reason, I don't care -- I'm willing to give them a shot for other reasons.
Finally, the categories and their explanations.
My Jewish Princesses: Pretty clear and also defined earlier. Why princesses? Because that's how I'd treat them. (I briefly considered calling this category Hebrew Honeys to avoid the whole 'JAP' stigma. Hopefully, we're over that.)
Local Yokels: There aren't actually any true yokels here -- it was the only rhyming word I could think of. How far will I extend the umbrella of 'local'? It works out to roughly a four hour drive. That means: Southern Ontario; Eastern Ontario; limited areas in Central & Northern Ontario; Montréal, PQ and region; Detroit, MI (possibly including more of Michigan); Western NY (as far East as about Rochester); Northwestern PA; and Northern Ohio. I may end up stretching the limits for truly exceptional women, but I haven't decided yet.
Canadian Cuties: Anyone in Canada that doesn't qualify as a Local Yokel. Ex-pat Canadians may also be considered.
Helloooooooo Nurse!: Whether it's from Animaniacs' Yakko & Wakko or earlier vaudeville acts, this phrase was used to denote a woman who was so over-the-top beautiful that men couldn't help but fawn over her. The Animaniacs character named "Hello Nurse" complains that she is never appreciated for her mind, only for her looks. (In Wakko's Wish it's revealed that her IQ is 192, Einstein+30, though in the song it's only 157.) She won't have that problem with me. So, you'd think that this is the category for brainy birds, but I'm going to narrow the definition to honest-to-goodness nurses. Brains and empathy is a hot combination. Nursing is such an undervalued and underpaid profession they deserve some special recognition. EMTs also qualify, because I said so. Rather than grouping genii I will acknowledge intelligence, or more typically my perception of intelligence, individually, regardless of category.
Campus Coeds / Hot For Teacher: If your life is currently dominated by teaching or learning, you'll likely be listed here. It applies equally to pupil and professor. If it makes sense to do so, I'll even include you here if you teach pottery or karate night classes at your local community college.
I Will Be Your Father Figure: If any kind of relationship were to unfold with any of the women in this category there would have to be at least some element of this dynamic due to fairly significant age difference. I think I'm arbitrarily going to set the cutoff to be 'born in 1988 or later'. This category trumps Campus Cuties, so the youngest students will actually end up here.
Matrons & Cougars & MILFs, Oh My!: (I'm enjoying the fact that this category label can become the acronym "MC MOM", or if you prefer, "McMom", which in and of themselves already seem to embody the definition of this category. Not many self-descriptive acronyms out there. Yeah, I'm a nerd, these things make me smile) The definitions for these words are hard to nail down, as they are used differently in different fora. A MILF, strictly speaking is a "Mother I'd Life to F**k", which doesn't really have an age component at all. A teenage mom could get away with calling herself a MILF. In the pornographic world any woman who looks like they might be mature enough to have had children qualifies and in practice includes 18-year-olds. SMH. Cougars can also be of any age -- they are defined more by the age gap between themselves and their romantic, or more commonly, sexual partner. Matrons are just mature women, generally of staid or motherly nature. Rather than pigeonhole women into some artificial definition I'm going to include women that qualify under any of these broad definitions. I might impose a minimum age, but I might not. I don't want to be hinting at or exposing what might be a woman's best kept secret.
That's Entertainment: If you're in the film, television, stage (including stand-up comedy), music, or media industries this is where you'll find yourself. This includes people who work behind the scenes, i.e. gaffs, grips, directors, producers, make-up artists, studio musicians, roadies, cinematographers, etc.
Amazons: The women that are listed as Amazons will be notable in that they are at least 6 feet tall.
Pixies: The women that are listed as Pixies will be notable in that they are no more than 5 feet tall.
Hot Salsa (5 songs): Yeah, it's a trite phrase, but it does the job conveying meaning. Latinas and black/native Caribbean women fill this spicy category, e.g. Puerto Ricans, Brazilians & Dominicans, etc. [I couldn't find a match musically, so I just picked stuff I like reminiscent of the Caribbean. OK, it's ska. And jungle. Close enough. I would have used a medley but it was blocked for Canada and who knows where else.]
Soul Sistas: Africans and African-Americans populate this category. I love these ladies. This category would be a LOT larger if I included my favorite Twitter'ers here. I've left many out because I'm so not socioculturally urban (and they not only are, but are very socioculturally urban) that any attempted relationships would likely be very difficult to maintain.
Czechs: Based on this country's population, there shouldn't be so many stunning Czech women, but there are! As such, they get their own category.
Russians & Ukrainians: Self-explanatory.
British Babes: Anyone who hails from the British Isles, i.e. the UK and Ireland, earns a spot in this category. It's pretty huge for such a small corner of the world.
Fraus & Frauleins: This is the category for German, Austrian and Swiss misses.
Mediterranean Mamasitas: Southern Europeans, non-black North Africans and some Middle/Near Eastern women would be listed here.
Bloc Party: My cutesy term for the former Eastern European and Asian Soviet Bloc countries (and their derivatives), not including the countries that have already been singled out. Off the top of my head I expect Poland to be the #1 contributor to this category.
Eurochix: Any Europeans that have not been assigned to one of the earlier categories will find a home here. E.g. Scandinavian, French, Dutch, Belgian, etc.
Desert Roses: Women from the states of Arizona, Nevada & New Mexico.
California Girls: Do I wish they all could be...? Not really (I like variety), but I'm sure glad that these women are.
Hurricanes & Gators: Women representing the Sunshine State of Florida are grouped here.
Peaches: Women from Georgia.
Everyone Knows It's Windy: Women representing the Windy City, Chicago, IL. (And maybe all of IL, too.) (It's interesting & appropriate that the linked song was recorded live at a Chicago-area music festival.)
Show Me: Women from Missouri.
Daughters of the Empire: Women from the State of New York.
Everything’s Bigger…: Women from Texas.
American Beauties: ...is not just a variety of rose. It is also the category for all American women whose home state wasn't populous enough for its own category -- left on its own, this category would be much too lengthy.
Amazing Asians: Asians of all types, including some Middle/Near Eastern women, have a home in this category.
Island Girls: No, not those islands! We covered them already! This category is where I group women from Polynesia, Oceania, New Zealand, and the biggest island of all -- Australia.
Fish That Got Away: These are women that I made an effort to date or at least befriend. Then, either due to a lack of determination on my part, or a serious gaffe or blunder, nothing happened.
Fish That Never Were: These are women that I admired from afar, never quite mustering up the courage to approach or reveal my feelings for. I'll include here women with whom I had a one-sided relationship and we didn't notice. By that I mean, I didn't notice she wasn't (as) into me, and she didn't even notice that I was into her. In general, they have caused me no harm and are still fabulous people so I guess I've never cognitively or emotionally dismissed them as potentials, in spite of the probabilistic fact that chances of success have dropped to absolute zero.
Impossibilities: Impossibilities are exactly that -- impossibilities, presupposing that magic doesn't exist. I think that's a safe bet. What constitutes an impossibility? Well, for example, the fact that they are singularly gay (lesbian, not bi-) would make coupling impossible. Another example, morbid though it may be, is that they have passed on, maybe even before I was born, but the romantic fantasy remains. After all, what is death compared to the power of imagination?
The Hurt: This is a very short list of people I believe I've wronged and as a result carry great remorse/guilt. There are no people I have wronged for whom I do not carry remorse/guilt. I suppose I could be being way too egocentric and be grossly overestimating my impact on their lives. In other words, it's possible that whatever I did, they never noticed or were never bothered by it. However, I can't be in other people's heads, I can only be in my own, and my highly subjective experience is all I have to go on. I have to trust my judgement, though my (faulty) judgement may have been what caused me to hurt them in the first place. Ah, the mistakes of youth. "The Hurt" will also include the people who hurt me. This, too, is a very short list.
Without further ado (thank God) here are the lucky winners!
Actually, after all you've read/skimmed/skipped, that's just another tease. You're going to have to navigate to another page on another blog. I've decided to put the list there in order to have more flexibility in format and content. In other words, there, I can include images and links to such things as wiki pages, Twitter or Facebook accounts, official websites, etc. I'm only going to do that for people who live in the spotlight -- the anonymous will remain so. In fact, for them I'm leaning towards only using first names. That should be sufficient for them to recognize themselves should they read this list. It might not be enough for others, even those that know me well, to figure out who's who, but I'm okay with that. As some of these entries or links may contain NSFW content the location is moving to the NSFW version of "POS: Politics/Opinion/Satire (& self-derision)", logically named "NSFW-POS: Politics/Opinion/Satire". Good news? You won't have to deal with any advertising there!
The link will appear HERE as soon as it is ready. Thank you for faithfully reading to the end.
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