The Fords Are Picture Prefect

For the past year, the chief darlings and demons of Toronto politics have to be the Ford brothers, Rob and Doug.  The best part about them is that they seem to lampoon themselves.  The worst part about them is that they have been granted the authority of office.  How the heck did that happen?

Anyway, I expect I'll be talking about them a whole lot these next few years.  I foresee a problem with that.  "The Fords" and "The Ford brothers" are just too boring as far as appellations for colourful people go.  There has to be something more, interesting, more sardonic, funnier...  Well, I've got some suggestions.  I'm not sure how I feel about each of them, so I'm going to have to rely on you to tell which ones work and which ones don't.

1. Bob and Doug, or Bob and Doug McKenzie.  There's nothing like invoking pop culture and classic Canadiana when being silly.  And judging from history they love to be silly.
   
   
2. Blob and Slug Ford.  Come on!  Fat jokes are the last socially acceptable form of discrimination!  For a little while longer at least.  Then we'll remember that we are Canadian and above such baseness.
   
   
3. Rube and Dung Ford.  Earthy names for salt of the earth personalities.
   
   
4. Rob & Doug Fjord.  Given the recent focus on creating islands for football stadia and remaking the waterfront in their image, a waterway-related name could be appropriate.  (Of course, 'ford' is itself kind of a waterway term.)  Besides, with their fair complexion they could be mistaken for Norwegian/Nordic.
   
   
5. The F5 Fords.  This one is a little more abstract.  If you asked them, they would probably say it referred to the 1940s - 1950s era model of flatbed truck.  The previously alluded to Ford Prefect was contemporaneous to the F5.  Is that it then?  Is that the joke?  Why would we want to compare them to an ancient motor vehicle?
   
   Nope, that's not it.  I'm referring to the Fujita scale of tornado intensity.  Tornadoes are very unpredictable storms.  F5's blow the hardest and are the most destructive, damaging even the sturdiest infrastructure, and are known for consuming nearly everything in their path.  Yeah, I like this one.  It's a literal and alliterative.
   
   
6. Mayor McCheese and Hamburglar.  Is this too old school?  Too trademarked by McDonalds?
   
   
7. Tweedledee & Tweedledum.  If Tweedledum wouldn't recognize Margaret Atwood should she walk by him on the street, neither of them should recognize Lewis Carroll no matter where they encounter him.  They might react, though. They might scream, "Zombie!" or, if they had just watched the right movie, "Hey look, it's Bernie!"  I wonder if they would recognize the Jabberwocky, Cheshire Cat, March Hare, Mad Hatter, etc., etc. Oh right!  It was a Disney film!  Of course they'll recognize the characters!  But who the hell is Lewis Carroll?  The director?  Cinematographer?  Lead animator?  Did he write the Narnia books?  Are you making fun of us? OFF WITH HIS HEAD!
   
   
8. Thing 1 & Thing 2.  With apologies to the great Theodor S. Giesel, the incomparable Dr. Seuss!  Hopefully, he, his estate and its litany of lawyers won't mind if I both quote him and channel his voice for a moment.  (Saying what you want to say, while sticking to a mostly monosyllabic lexicon, and keeping to anapestic tetrameter is HARD!  No wonder it took Dr. Seuss 9 months to write The Cat In The Hat!  Sometimes, though, I wonder if this is the only way to reach the dull, the distant, the dreamy and the disinterested.)
   
   ("¬" denotes an unstressed/unused beat -- or pause -- in the meter.  Also, I've stressed the beats to make it easier to read in the sing-song meter.)
   
   "UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
   ¬ nothing is going to get better. It’s not."
   (Dr. Seuss, from The Lorax)
   
   "If you lend us your ears, you will see we're not quacks,"
   "We know what we must do in pursuit of No-Tax."
   
   ¬ "What we know is business," said One to Thing Two
   "And you must run your city as business men do."
   
   ¬ "So what of the poor?" asked a Who from the back.
   "Well the poor just don't matter, we must stay on track."
   
   "We're concerned with the health of the economy."
   "And the poor only want what they can get for free."
   
   "We should only keep doing that which we do best."
   ¬ "We must be ef-fic-ient -- forget all the rest."
   
   "So we'll cut out on buses and library books."
   ¬ "Now why are you giving us those dirty looks?"
   
        { Time out.  I just answered the phone and it was an automated poll seeking opinions regarding the Mayor's general approval rating one year after the election... Rolling on the floor, pissing myself, laughing my a** off.  Delicious irony!  Life is too funny.  And now back to the Seussisms. }
   
   "And our lake shore is lacking, but don't think it through"
   ¬ "We'll fix it by building a big wheel or two."
   
   "Man-made islands are needed where we'll build a park."
   "And to get people to it we'll build a new ark."
   
   ""Stop right there", said a Who, "Is this some kind of stunt?"
   "Sit back down and be silent you miserable runt!"
   
   "You elected me mayor, with Thing Two, can't you see?"
   "We are try'n to establish our own legacy!"
   
   ¬ "Then why not commission a statue of you?"
   "Give the seagulls and pigeons a new place to poo."
   
   "You may laugh, you may joke, but we're the ones in charge."
   "So expect we'll embrace it and keep living large."
   
   "In this time of restraint I've one more thing to say,"
   "We will pay to kill bike lanes, make them go away."
   
   ¬ From reading this poem, you should take away,
   ¬ A moral that's simple, and as plain as day,
   ¬ Be careful to whom you give your right of voice,
   Lots of time and much thought should go into that choice.
   If it's done, and it's gone to a Dimwit or Sot,
   ¬ Well, don't be surprised when things all go to pot.
   
   
9. Who knows, maybe I'll come up with more soon.  Maybe you'll suggest your own.  I'm sure the words and actions of the Fords will suggest -- nay, inspire -- more material in due time.