MLS Is Unwatchable

Date of composition: Saturday, September 10th, 2011

I've had enough.  I can't take any more -- not a match, not a half, not even a moment of extra time.  MSL soccer is absolutely unwatchable, or in my case, as a radio listener, unlistenable.  (Why isn't there a sound-based word analogous to the sight-based word 'unwatchable'?)

The players are as much actors as athletes, flopping around like fish out of water, hoping to draw a Yellow, or better yet a Red, against the opponent.  I am philosophically opposed to the concept of 'gamesmanship'.  In my view, gamesmanship is the polar opposite of sportsmanship, which is a quality to which we all aspire and attempt to instill in our children.  Gamesmanship is bending the rules of conduct and play as far as they can be bent without breaking completely and being unilaterally labelled as cheating.  Even as it is, there are those that label gamesmanship as cheating, at least in spirit.

As bad as the gamesmanship is the quality of officiating.  Referees and linesmen routinely make calls that defy the rules, show obvious biases, make calls that can best be described as imaginary and ignore calls that are flagrant, obvious and right in front of their noses.  Are blindness and bias prerequisites for employment?  At this point I wouldn't be surprised if a player somehow produced a sword from his uniform, beheaded an opponent, fell down holding his own head as though it were about to explode and successfully induced the referee to give a red card to the completely innocent and now lifeless corpse while the equally lifeless head rolls slowly offside.  Whatever.  You're a man down in every sense of the word now.

The league nominally admits that there are deficiencies in officiating but doesn't seem especially motivated to do anything about it.  They are a relatively minor league regardless of the fact that the 'M' in MLS stands for "Major".  When they look to hire officials they have two constraints.  First, they can only hire whomever is left after the real major soccer -- I mean football -- leagues have hired their officials.  Second, they can only hire whomever they can afford, which seems to indicate scraping the bottom of the barrel.  Financially, they may not be in a position to address the issue at all.

Some would say that the problem is bigger than MLS, and they are probably right.  Officials in FIFA matches frequently manage to look remarkably amateurish and occasionally quite one-sided.  Bias is rampant in soccer/football and for lots of reasons.

1. In some cases, the officials have an interest in who wins the game through their own national allegiances and who plays whom when to qualify for what.
2. In others, it is in the best interests of the officials to rule in favor of the local team, some times for fear of personal safety from the hands of the fans.  (To a degree this seems to happen in New Yankee Stadium during baseball games, so the problem is not limited to European and Latin American football teams.)
3. The third reason is the most controversial of all -- officials get bribed.  Some countries are worse than others but it has been proven to happen.  With the stink of corruption going all the way up to the highest positions in FIFA -- some would say that's where it starts -- it is not surprising that the allegations keep coming yet the problem is allowed to persist.

So, I'm out.  I never turn off my radio and seldom change the station, but I'll be doing so every single time they try to ram an MLS game down my throat.

While I'm here, I'll take a tangent and criticize the world, especially the United States, for what amounts to a dispute over terminology.

"Football A" is a game played with a round ball by two teams of eleven players a side.  The ball is advanced almost exclusively with the feet (hence the name football) with rare aerial contact permitted with the head and torso.  The point is to advance the ball into the opponents goal.  The sport has existed in some form for thousands of years but was only officially codified in 1863.  It is played by an estimated 250 million people in 200 countries making it the world's most popular sport.

"Football B" is a game played with an oblong ball by two teams of eleven players a side.  The ball is advanced by carrying it manually or throwing it to another player.  Again, the point is to advance the ball into the opponent's goal.  If progress is halted by the opposing defense the team on offense may kick the ball for points, or kick the ball for field position.  There is even a special version of kick that can result in maintaining possession of the ball.  Football B was first played in 1869 and is generally accepted to be derivative of football A (see above) and rugby.  The sport is played almost exclusively in the United States and (in slightly altered form) in Canada.

So, what do we have here?  Quite a predicament.  Two sports that want to be known by the same name, without qualifiers. How do we decide which one gets to determine its own name and which must choose another name?

Let us compare...

Played most widely: Football A.

Most players: Football A. There are probably more children playing Football A than people playing that other game.

Older: Football A.

Actually uses the foot as the primary instrument of play: Football A.

Okay, it seems quite clear: Football A gets to call itself "Football" and Football B has to choose something else. American Rules Football, American Rules Rugby and Gridiron seem like good choices.

Somebody please explain to me why the f**k it doesn't work this way!!!!!!

Obviously, Football A has been relegated to being known as "soccer" (an 1880 Oxford-er abbreviation of "association", i.e."soc-er") in the one part of the world where Football B is played, and Football B is globally known as Football.  Well, it's "American Football" in some circles, but the international branding is simply as "Football".

Americans generally don't understand why their great country is maligned and poo-pooed by foreigners, even allies, in spite of its greatness.  Frankly, it's totally trivial s**t like this that prompts the 'outside' world to have a distasteful opinion of America.  Always 'having things their way' even when it isn't 'right'.  Feels like bullying, smells like bullying.  And everybody loves a bully.  The little things add up and matter.